Expectations and dreams
I always believed I would be a mother; my upbringing taught me that the natural progression in life was to meet someone, get married, have a family and coupled with my natural affiliation towards children, I had no reason to believe that it would be any different.
I had little ambition to be the career, entrepreneur and business woman that I am today; all I dreamed of was to have children running around to cook for, educate, play with, love and share guidance and so help them grow into well balanced adults, able to look after themselves, and anyone else that they chose to share their lives with.
Heartbreaks
My heart was broken at 21 and I struggled deeply to muster the desire to give it to anyone else, but someone did come along and we married as I turned 31. With my fertility clock ticking, just 6 months after that day, I found myself pregnant, we were over the moon. However, joy was to be short lived.
The journey of emotional loss and pain of proportions I can’t begin to explain ensued; disappointments I had experienced, but this was quite different. The physical was bearable but emotional and psychological unbearable, the desolation, the feelings of being a failure, insurmountable. “I am a woman, I am successful in everything I do, so why can I not do the most natural thing that a woman should be able to do?
8 years later, 9 more miscarriages and a plethora of attention from natural practitioners and consultants and at nearly 38, I fell pregnant. With 23 weeks under my belt, I began to feel hope of having a child. The universe decided differently, my last attempt at motherhood resulted in my journey’s end, the birth of “Spunky Genes Condor” our beautiful perfectly formed baby boy with a still heart.
Challenges and depression
My shame was inconsolable. I told my husband that he should leave to have a birth child; he is the last in his lineage/heritage, the last of the Condors. He said no, that he had married me because of who I am. He would stay.
Deep depression consumed me, I struggled to come to terms with something no woman should have to do, days turned into weeks then months, walls enclosed me, night and day became one.
6 months later with a great deal of support from professionals, my strong and loving husband and my amazing sister, I finally started to live again.
After the horror, came children
The last tears shed, the universe revealed its plan.
I realised I was none of the things I thought, I was a mother in waiting, for my time, ‘my’ children, those of the earth that needed someone.
I didn’t adopt, have a surrogate nor foster. I was to be mother to many children, none of whom I birthed.
My nieces and nephews from birth to now, they acknowledge me on Mother’s Day; grown up as they now are, they know that I love them fiercely, know I am here whenever, however they need me.
Others who needed a mother figure came. Teenagers whose mothers abandoned them, younger children whose mothers needed rest and respite, children from a less advantaged background who were educated through apprenticeships in my business. This loving helped me deal with loss, pain and the shame of feeling like a failure.
Today my ‘children’ are there for me too if I need help. They tell me I am too protective, that I suffocate them with love, that they are lucky to have me, they laugh with me, I tease them, they say I am annoying, we cuddle, cry, sort stuff out, I help them find direction, guide them and they teach me ‘young’ stuff!
Blessings
With faith and space there is always a timeline to our story, our path, and sometimes not getting what we want is a stroke of luck.
I am not a birth mother, I gave the universe space to reveal my role, and here I am today with children still coming into my life. I have more children in my life than we could have made on our own!
I am blessed.
I helped women like me, I adopted children through PLAN and the best thing is they got to stay in their own communities and with their families.
Being a mother comes in many forms, and is personal to each woman. To me the maternal instinct to want to guide, protect, love, nourish and grow children until they become well-rounded stable adults able to do the same when they have children of their own, is being a mother.
That is all; that is why I am and always will be a mother of the earth, childless but full of joy and love for everything that children born of others have brought me, and those children’s future children. And, I hope that I in turn have brought them what they needed.
“Blessed are we who found each other and in that finding followed the path not of expectation, but of discovery”
Around 1 in 7 couples may have difficulties having children. If you or your family have similar experiences, remember your voice is your power – share your feelings with your loved ones, be honest when you need help and empower others with what you learn and experience.
If you need support or someone to talk to, the Women’s Activities Portfolio is here for you – please reach out at [email protected] at any time. WAP will be running roadshows over the coming months to raise awareness about hormonal balance for men and women, including infertility.
All together, we can.
If you are finding life in Coronavirus lockdown difficult and want someone to speak to, please
contact the CST at [email protected] or call 02081910911 for the United Kingdom. International numbers can be found by
clicking here.
